


Love Is Never Wrong

by subtlehysteria



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, Slow Burn, only a little angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-25 20:08:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14386200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/subtlehysteria/pseuds/subtlehysteria
Summary: When Todd first meets Neil Perry, he is stunned speechless. Neil appears untouchable, unreal, perfect. However, as they grow closer over the course of the school year, as Todd uncovers the complicated boy that is Neil Perry, he can't help the feelings that begin to bloom. But its not like they could ever be reciprocated. The very notion is unthinkable. It's impossible. Right?





	Love Is Never Wrong

**Author's Note:**

> This has been sitting in my writing folder for a while now back when I was super obsessed with the film. After re-reading it though I decided to post it here. I'm quite proud of this to be honest. Anyway, hope you guys enjoy it just as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> (title from the quote by Melissa Etheridge)

_It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight._   
_-Vladimir Nabokov_

_Love is friendship set on fire._   
_-Jeremy Taylor_

_Love is when you meet someone who tells you something new about yourself._   
_-Andre Breton_

 

*

 

When Todd first saw him, his breath faltered. The boy was tall and slim and even from this distance, Todd could see he had a handsome face; the chiselled features that people expected from an accomplished Welton boy. He was carrying a banner with the word _Excellence_ crudely sewn across the top. That word, Todd felt, was horribly inaccurate. The boy was more than excellent. He was spectacular, astounding, mesmerising. He was _thrilling._ Todd ducked his head as the boy passed, not wanting to be caught staring. He couldn’t risk it, not after what happened at his old school.

The Dean’s speech was lengthy and boastful. Todd wanted to just block it all out. He felt as if those words were directed at him: Ivy League, fervent dedication, _we are the best._ Todd felt anything but when his father practically pushed him up out of his seat to recite the school’s four pillars. He faltered on the word ‘excellence’ as he eyed the back of the handsome boy’s head. His knees buckled, causing him to slump back into his seat. His father beamed at him, oblivious.

 

*

 

When those dreaded words fell from the Dean’s mouth, the ones that plagued Todd’s life ever since he could remember, Todd had to stop himself from flinching. “You have some big shoes to fill, young man.” _Don’t say it, please don’t say it_ – “Your brother was one of our finest.”

And there it was. Not even two hours at Welton and already he was being compared to his brother. It wasn’t Jeff’s fault, not really. He was just one of those people who life handed all the good draw cards, who could excel at anything. And Todd was just one of those people that couldn’t. Being Jeffery Anderson’s younger brother, you learnt to duck your head, smile at the false encouragement and just keep moving forward. It was either swim or drown. Although, Todd had never really been the strongest swimmer – that was more Jeff’s speciality.

So, as always, Todd nodded and tried not to sound too disheartened when he uttered a soft, “Thank you,” and trailed after his parents to collect his bags.

*

Todd had finally managed to squeeze out from his mother’s embrace and his father’s too-tight grip on his shoulder when he heard a confident, “Hey,” directed his way.

Todd turned to find none other than spectacular-astounding-mesmerizing-thrilling boy peeking out from a doorway. Todd reminded himself to breathe as the boy offered his hand.

“I heard we’re gonna be roommates. I’m Neil Perry.”

Such simple words, so average and yet Todd found his hands shaking as he returned the boy’s – Neil’s – firm grip. He tried to play it cool, or, well, as cool as he could manage as he said, “Todd Anderson.”

Todd fell into step with Neil as they walked through the archways and towards the dorms. Neil walked casually, confidently, as if this were his domain and Todd only a guest.

“Why’d you leave Balincrest?” Neil asked suddenly.

Todd wanted to ask how he knew that. He supposed, though, at a school like Welton, news spread like wildfire. That’s how it was back at Balincrest.

He couldn’t give the whole truth, the real reason. A half-truth would have to do.

Might as well get it over with.

“My brother went here,” he said, sneaking a quick glimpse at Neil. Neil met his gaze with a sly grin.

“Oh, so you’re that Anderson.”

Todd sighed internally.

And so it begins.

*

The hallways were buzzing as friends caught up on summer stories. Todd heard snatches here and there. Some boys went away skiing or to a sunny haven on some far-off island. Others laid around and did nothing all day. One boy boasted about kissing the girl from their sister school he’d been after since middle school. Todd’s mouth twitched at that, fighting between the urge to wince and smile.

He tried to follow Neil without making it too obvious. Neil knew where he was going, weaving through the crowd with ease. Todd, however, felt like he was in one of those pinball machines in the arcade, bouncing back and forth as he knocked into boys and suitcases and overbearing fathers.

Finally, he was spat out from the rush and bustle and managed to spot Neil turning into a doorway. Todd adjusted his grip on his suitcase before following suit. A ginger boy was leaning in the doorway, cackling with laughter. Todd just caught the last bit of their conversation.

“Hey, I heard you got the new kid. Looks like a stiff!” The ginger jeered before spotting Todd waiting at the doorway. He didn’t look one bit sorry as he muttered, “Oops,” and walked back to his own room.

Todd saw a smile begging to break into a laugh on Neil’s face. He ducked his head as he felt his cheeks begin to burn.

Neil seemed to sense his discomfort as he took out his class schedule from his pocket and slapped it playfully across Todd’s shoulder. “Hey, listen, don’t mind Cameron. He was born with a foot in his mouth. Know what I mean?” Todd didn’t so in lieu of a reply he started to unpack. He just wanted to settle in quietly, make a small space for himself and try and ignore Neil’s very prominent cheekbones. But fate decided against him.

“Rumour has it, you did summer school.”

Todd looked up to find three boys crowding the doorframe. Confidence oozed from them in waves.

Great.

Todd tried to keep to himself as the boys got to talking. They arranged themselves around the room, looking far too comfortable in Todd’s opinion. He hoped this wasn’t going to become a regular occurrence, especially when one of the boys lit a cigarette like it was second nature. Todd wasn’t really surprised, though. He’d found a pack of cigarettes once in his brother’s drawer when he’d been looking for a lost shirt. It had made Todd smile to know that even Jeff had his vices.

A bespectacled boy with honey-red hair caught Todd’s eye. His teeth were too big for his mouth and freckles splattered across the bridge of his nose but there was an air about him. He reeked of intellect.

“Uh, sorry. I’m Steven Meeks,” he said, matter of fact.

Todd was worrying how best to introduce himself without being a complete fool when Neil spoke up.

“Oh, this is Todd Anderson,” he nudged Todd by the small of his back, encouraging him to take Meeks’ outstretched hand. Warmth blossomed there long after Neil took back his hand.

Names were passed around like sweets. The boy with the cigarette was Charlie Dalton, all smug smiles with a dash of arrogance. There was something hidden behind his brown eyes that looked suspiciously like mischief. The last of the three was Knox Overstreet; he had an oblong face and a Roman nose. He also seemed the friendliest as he gave Todd a pleasant smile when they shook hands. Perhaps, Todd thought, they might not be all bad. But then Neil had to say it.

“Todd’s brother was Jeffery Anderson.”

The boys all hummed in recognition, and Todd waited for the comparisons to be made. You’re so short compared to Jeffery. Still got some baby fat huh? Don’t worry, soon you’ll fill out like Jeffery did. Oh, what lovely eyes, they’re almost the exact shade as Jeffery’s! (That last one Todd didn’t really expect from the boys, but he’d gotten it more often than not from his mother’s friends.)

However, Charlie broke the long-standing pattern as he mentioned Jeffery being Valedictorian as if it were some big joke. It was the first time Todd had ever heard his brother’s accomplishments being mocked. He hid a smile as he continued to unpack his suitcase. Maybe Charlie wasn’t so bad after all.

Steven shared a look with Neil, then shook his head, probably some private joke that Todd would never be privy to. “Well,” Steven said, adjusting his glasses. “Welcome to Hellton.”

Todd couldn’t think of any word more fitting.

*

When the boys finally dispersed from the dorm room Todd breathed a sigh of relief. He’d felt claustrophobic with all that pomp and circumstance in the room. Now, he was sitting at his desk, arranging the desk set his parents had gifted him for his birthday last year. They probably thought it would encourage him to study hard, to be more like Jeffery. How Todd didn’t really know.

Neil came back in after a little while, although the lightness in his step had gone. His shoulders were slumped as he sat on the windowsill, feet kicked up on the heater. He fiddled with a badge on his blazer. He frowned at it before chucking it onto the window sill.

Todd made himself look busy by trying to find a place for the picture frame his mother had insisted he take with. It was a black and white family portrait. Jeffery stood center stage in his Welton uniform, his father’s arm slung over his shoulders with pride. Todd stood with his mother in his less impressive Balincrest uniform, tucked away in the corner. He stuck the frame in the drawer without a second thought.

“So,” Neil started, “What do you think of my father?”

Todd felt as if it were a trick question. If he was to be honest, Mr. Perry reminded him of his own father although without the well-placed smile for public appearances. He seemed stern, too serious for his own good. And there was a harshness to his voice. The way he’d ordered Neil around without even having to raise his voice... but he couldn’t say that about someone he’d just met. Todd could lie and say something genial like, “He seems nice. A proper father figure,” but Todd was also a terrible liar.

Todd stammered as he tried to find the right words.

“What?” Neil asked, trying to make sense of Todd’s babbling.

“He’s – well, he’s, um.”

“Todd, if you’re gonna make it around here you gotta learn to speak up,” Neil said. His mouth was twisted in what was attempting to be a smile and failing miserably. “The meek might inherit the earth but they don’t make it into Harvard.” Neil averted his gaze at this and somehow, Todd knew those words weren’t for him, not really. They sounded wrong coming from Neil’s mouth as if someone else had stuffed them there for safe keeping. Todd had a distinct feeling he knew who that someone was.

Neither boy spoke for a moment, the only sound the bell tower ringing, warning them that supper would be soon.

“I’m sorry,” Neil whispered, barely audible.

Neil didn’t look right, slumped listlessly on the window sill like that. He’d been so bright, so alive only moments ago.

“It’s okay,” Todd said, trying to catch Neil’s eye.

Neil stared out the window at nothing in particular.

“No,” he murmured, “It’s not.”

 

*

 

Their first English class was…bizarre. Neil, arms full of books said it was different as if different were the synonym for incredible. The other boys didn’t look so sure. The subject was dropped, though, by the time they hit the showers after sport. Todd sat on the window sill, keeping his head down while he waited for the showers to open up. Charlie was attempting to style his hair, Knox moaning about some or other dinner he had to attend to so Todd began to zone out, thinking back on Mr. Keating’s words. Make your lives extraordinary.

 _Yeah right,_ Todd thought with disdain.

“Hey.” Someone clicked their fingers in Todd’s face. He jerked up to find a smiling Neil. He was shirtless, a towel wrapped tightly around his slim waist. He wasn’t exactly muscular; in fact, he had more of a dancer’s build. There was something beautiful about the sharp jutting of his collarbones and the slim trail of muscle on his arms and calves. Beauty marks decorated his shoulder blades like stars. Todd swallowed thickly.

Neil, completely oblivious, leaned in a little closer as he asked, “Are you coming to study group tonight?” He scrubbed at his hair with a small hand towel, looping it around his neck when he was done. His hair was a mess. Todd wanted to fix it for him.

Instead, he clenched his fists and shook his head. “Uh, no. No, I’ve got some History I wanna do.” Todd tried not to look at Neil’s tapering waist. He really did.

“Suit yourself,” Neil said. And with that, he was gone.

*

_S_ EIZE THE DAY!

Todd underlined the words and then immediately felt stupid for it. Seize the day. It felt like a phrase that Neil or even Charlie could wear like a suit of armour. Todd could only imagine it drooping from his small frame like a too-big coat.

He ripped the page out and took some satisfaction in the sound of crumpling paper before making a start on his Chemistry homework.

*

Neil looked good in glasses. No, that was an understatement. Neil looked beautiful in glasses. There was something scholarly about him as he read out the introduction to their English textbook. Todd wasn’t really paying attention to the words, but rather the sound of Neil’s voice. It resonated through the room, loud and clear. Everyone was silent. They listened with intent, even if the words were meaningless to them all. That was the power of Neil Perry: he knew how to stand out in a room full of people and be made king because of it.

Todd was shot out of his reverie when Mr. Keating – a short, stocky man with kind brown eyes – without hesitancy, said, “Excrement. That’s what I think of Mr. J. Evans Pritchard.”

Everyone stilled except for Charlie who perked up. Todd had noticed how uninterested Charlie appeared in all his classes, like all the information thrown at them wasn’t in their future’s best interests. (Maybe he was a little right, but still.) But now, now his eyes lit up as if to say, finally, someone is speaking my language. So, when Mr. Keating ordered the boys to rip out the page, Charlie happily obliged. He held it up like a trophy, a smug smile playing on his lips.

Neil quickly followed suit, sharing a smile with Charlie as they began to rip out the rest of the chapter. Todd sucked on his bottom lip. This was Jeffery’s book. It was filled to the brim with cramped handwriting, notes made in haste to keep up with the teacher’s lecture. However, when he paged through the introduction Todd only found one or two notes. He supposed, then, it should be okay.

Neil called out, “Rip! Rip!” rolling the “r” lavishly. Todd took that as the final go ahead.

He ripped the first page out, hesitant, wanting to keep it clean. The page tore from its binding easily. Todd smiled. He ripped out another page, then another and another, becoming more confident with each tear.

He risked a glance over his shoulder to find a grinning Neil tearing the chapter into shreds. Neil suddenly looked up and caught Todd’s eye. He beamed at him, face alight with joy. Todd ducked away, feeling his cheeks blooming with red.

 

*

Todd didn’t really know what to make of Mr. Keating’s closing words. That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. Keating had looked directly at Neil when he’d said that and Todd had watched in astonishment as Neil’s eyes filled with wonder. He’d looked like a little kid who was told he could do anything and believed it. Being Neil Perry, Todd thought, must be nice.

But then Keating had turned his attention to Todd, asking What will your verse be? Todd had wanted to say, “I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll ever know.” But that would have meant speaking out loud in front of the whole class. It would have meant making a fool of himself in front of the boys, in front of Neil. He would never risk that. Not after Balincrest.

*

“Todd, you coming tonight?” Todd could already feel his head shaking no, even though he desperately wanted to say yes.

When Keating had described the meetings of the Dead Poets Society, how honey had dripped from their tongues… It had caused something in his chest to stir, excitement spreading all the way down to his toes. We weren’t a Greek organization, we were Romantics… God’s were created. If Todd could have even a morsel of that, he could probably do anything. He could maybe even muster the courage to have a real conversation with Neil, one that lasted more than three words at a time.

But that wasn’t the case. Todd wasn’t a God. A hopeless Romantic perhaps, but that part of him was hidden deep within. It was buried under years of anxiety and nerves and don’t let them see don’t let them know they can’t know.

“No,” Todd said, trying to focus on his History essay. But if there was one thing he’d learnt from his short time being Neil’s roommate, it was that Neil Perry was a stubborn ass.

“But you were there! You heard Keating. Don’t you want to do something about that?”

Yes! YES! he wanted to yell. To scream, let the entire school know. Yes, he wanted to do something other than cower and hide and pray to whatever controlled fate that today wasn’t the day he’d be revealed.

Instead, he found himself shaking his head once more, tucking his chin to hide behind his fringe. “Yes,” he sighed, “But I…” he trailed off, unable to continue. Words were never his friend when he needed them the most.

Neil wasn’t having it. “But what?” he stage-whispered, practically begging.

Todd sighed. There was no way of getting out of this, but it was worth a try.

“Keating said that everybody… took turns reading and. And I… I don’t want to do that.” It was a pathetic argument, both he and Neil knew it, but it was also the truth. Neil, hell, all the boys should have known by now that that wasn’t Todd’s thing. He wasn’t good at being noticeable, being remembered. He was Jeffrey Anderson’s kid brother, not even worthy of a name of his own.

Neil went quiet. Todd could hear Neil’s mind whirring, full of thoughts and ideas and unasked questions.

“Gosh,” Neil finally said, “You really have a problem with that, don’t you?” Todd stiffened. He had expected Neil to be disappointed, maybe even a little angry like that first day in the dorm room. But that wasn’t the case. There was only disbelief; raw and childish almost. Neil was shocked as if everyone should be okay with speaking their mind. Todd wanted to give one of Charlie’s wry smiles, to say, “Welcome to the real world.” He wanted to pop Neil’s bubble of naivety. But that would be cruel. Todd couldn’t pull off cruel. And even if he could, he’d never want to do that to Neil. He got enough of that from his dad.

Instead, he bowed his head in defeat. He needed to defend himself, needed to at least try. “No,” he said, softly at first. “No, I don’t have a problem with it, Neil I just.” He stopped and looked Neil right in the eye when he said, “I just don’t want to do it. Okay?”

Neil’s mouth parted slightly in shock. Todd took a little satisfaction in that.

“Okay,” Neil said after a moment. He bowed his head and stared a little too intently at the wooden table top. Todd tried not to stare as Neil licked his lips.

Just as Todd had thought he was in the clear, Neil’s head popped up, a new idea already racing behind his eyes. “What if you didn’t have to read?” he asked. “What if you just came and listened?”

Why are you so persistent? Todd wanted to ask in return. Everyone usually gave up after their first try to hold a conversation with Todd, much less get him to participate in something. But not Neil Perry. No, Neil Perry was a special breed of stubborn. What do you see in me? is what Todd really wanted to ask.

“That’s not how it works,” Todd said, pushing away his useless thoughts.

“Forget how it works!” Neil said, a smile spreading from ear to ear. The smile that meant he’d gotten what he’d wanted.

Not yet.

“What if they said it was okay?” Neil continued.

Todd resisted the urge to shake Neil and yell at him to wake up, this isn’t dreamland where anything is possible!

“What?” he said, smiling ruefully to himself, “What, you’re gonna go up to them and ask them if…”

Neil shrugged, playful.

Todd shook his head. “No. No –”

Todd felt a breath of warm air at his neck. Lips brushed the shell of his ear. “I’ll be right back.”

Todd shivered.

“N-Neil,” he stuttered, but the boy was already gone. Todd tried again, mustering some semblance of courage. “Neil!” But he was gone.

 

*

“You’re in,” Neil said, pointing a finger at Todd as if to say Don’t argue with me. Todd only sighed, accepting his fate.

*

“Yahoo!”

“Shhh!” Todd whispered, trying to get Neil to calm down. He watched from his perch on his bed as Neil paced the length of their too-tiny dorm room. He was restless, unwilling to just go to sleep already.

“How can I?” Neil asked, eyes wide with glee. “That was amazing. It was transcending! Didn’t you feel it?” Neil met Todd’s gaze head-on and oh god. Those eyes. Those dark, chocolate coffee ground eyes. How could anyone say no to that?

Todd nodded his head in agreement but Neil wasn’t satisfied. He kneeled in front of Todd and gripped him by the shoulders. “Come on, Todd. Look me in the eyes and tell me you didn’t feel something?”

Todd stopped breathing. He was shivering all over, both from the cold and the close proximity of this beautiful, passionate, thrilling boy.

_God help me._

“Yeah,” he finally said, the word sailing with a sigh. “Yeah, I did.”

Neil smiled but it wasn’t the wide, gleeful one Todd had learnt to expect. It was small, barely there; a rare phenomenon. It was sacred.

Neil’s hands moved slowly to cup Todd’s neck. His palms were rough with calluses, fingers long and elegant. He could have been a musician, Todd thought, if he wasn’t so busy trying to please his father.

“I’ll make a poet out of you yet Thomas Anderson,” Neil whispered before slowly withdrawing his hands. Todd wanted to grab them, put them back on the soft spot where his pulse beat. He wanted Neil to feel how quick his heart was beating and tell him it wasn’t from the running. That it was all his doing.

But Todd didn’t. He couldn’t. Balincrest had taught him that much. He watched forlornly as Neil shed his coat and slipped under the covers, none the wiser.

Todd wished he could be so oblivious.

 

*

Todd was going to explode. Mr. Keating’s words danced around his head relentlessly. Dare to strike out and find new ground. Yeah right. How was Todd supposed to do that when he could barely write three words on a page? Write a poem, Mr. Keating said. Deliver it out loud in front of the class. As if it were that easy.

_Don’t think that I don’t know that this assignment scares the hell out you, you mole._

At least he got one thing right, Todd thought as he scratched out another worthless word from his pointless poem _._

Todd was about to scrunch up another failed attempt into a ball when Neil burst into the room, full of that indescribable energy of his.

“I’m going to act,” he said. A fact. Not an idea or a hope, no, not for The Neil Perry. He was practically glowing from the inside out. Everyone knew that Neil was stubborn. Once he’d set his mind to something, you best move out the way or else get trampled in his wake.

A determined Neil Perry was a dangerous and marvellous thing to behold.

“Aha! Yes! YES!” he yelled, jumping up onto his bed and flinging a blanket around his shoulders like a cape. “I’ve always wanted to be an actor. Ever since I could remember I’ve wanted to try this. I even tried to go to summer stock auditions last year but of course, my father wouldn’t let me. For the first time in my whole life, I know what I want to do. And for the first time, I’m gonna do it! Whether my father wants me to or not! CARPE DIEM!” Neil was springing from one surface to the next, never touching the floor as if he were playing hot lava. As Neil leapt onto Todd’s bed, papers raining down on them like confetti, Todd couldn’t help but be happy for him. For a moment, he relished in his friend’s passion. But there was also doubt. Always doubt. What would Neil’s father say? What would he do when he found out?

Todd tried to voice it as best he could. He was trying to help. He didn’t want what happened on the first day to happen again. He didn’t want Neil to deflate into the quiet, subjugated son Mr. Perry expected him to be.

But Todd’s efforts were for nought. Todd could hear Neil’s heart shatter as he yelled, “Jesus Todd, whose side are you on?”

Those words hit Todd like a cinderblock.

Yours, he wanted to say. Always yours.

Silence swept across the room. Neither boy willing to back down. Eventually, Neil settled back onto his usual perch on the heater. Todd took that as a sign that the conversation was over. He tried not to sulk as he scooched back into the corner next to his headboard and dragged his notebook into his lap. He picked up his pencil with quiet determination. He needed to at least have something resembling a poem for Mr. Keating on Monday.

However, silence was but only a temporary guest in the presence of Neil Perry.

“You’re coming to the meeting this afternoon.” It wasn’t a question.

Todd shrugged, tossing the words over his shoulder. “I don’t know, maybe.”

“Nothing Mr. Keating has to say means to shit to you does it, Todd?”

Todd gripped his pencil tightly, the whites of his knuckles showing through. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“You’re in the club!” Neil practically yelled. “Being in the club means being stirred up by things. You look about as stirred up as a cesspool!”

That was low. Todd wanted to say as much but at the same time, he knew Neil was at least a little right. Todd wasn’t one to bare himself. Never had been. From years of experience, Todd knew that putting himself out there meant to be ridiculed, to disappoint his parents, to only prove that yes, Jeffery is the golden son and Todd would always be secondary. It was ingrained in him. It was a survival tactic at this point: hide and stay quiet and they won’t ask questions, they’ll leave you be, they won’t suspect you’re –

But no. Neil refused to be driven away. He insisted on prodding Todd’s glass cage with a stick until it shattered, baring him for the world to see.

“So, what? You want me out?” Todd huffed.

“No,” Neil said. “I want you in. But being in means you gotta do something, not just say you’re in.”

He made it sound so simple. And for Neil it probably was. He had enough passion for the both of them. Surely, he knew by now, surely even he could understand that Todd didn’t have it in him. He just… couldn’t.

“Listen, Neil,” Todd said, trying to keep his voice even. “I appreciate this concern but I’m not like you, alright? You say things and people listen a-and I’m, I’m not like that.”

“Don’t you think you could be?” Neil asked.

God, this boy is so naïve Todd thought not for the first time. He loved Neil’s passion. He loved the way Neil saw every little detail as something to be appreciated. Neil was so innocent, so open-minded but he was also unknowing and one of these days it was going to come back and bite him.

“No! I – I don’t know,” Todd mumbled. “That’s not the point. T-the point is there’s nothing you can do about it. So, you can just butt out. I can take care of myself just fine. Alright?”

Neil looked so taken aback; a child whose toy had been stolen. His big brown eyes were filled with confusion.

Good, Todd thought, he should be confused. Neil shouldn’t assume he knew everything about Todd. No one knew everything about anything. That was a part of life they all had to accept. Even the great Neil Perry.

“No.”

Todd stiffened. Had he heard right?

Slowly, he tilted his head to meet Neil’s eyes. A glint of something lay there hidden in the depths of all that swirling chocolate brown.

Todd hesitated before asking, “What do you mean, no?”

But he knew. He knew what that something was in Neil’s eyes. It was mischief.

“No,” Neil said with a sly smile before he grabbed at Todd’s notebook.

“No, Neil!” Too late. Neil was already leaping from Todd’s bed to his own. Todd groaned as he shot up after his roommate.

Neil was unfairly blessed with long legs, and with his head start, Todd might as well have not even bothered chasing after him. But then Neil started reading his poem aloud.

“We are dreaming of a – ah! POETRY!” He yelled, glee swallowing his words whole.

“Neil!” Todd yelled, making a grab at Neil’s sleeve only for Neil to slither out of his reach.

“I’m being chased by Walt Whitman!” Neil yelled, smiling back at Todd as he leapt across Todd’s bed. And Todd, against his will, was smiling back. He couldn’t help it, he really couldn’t. Not when Neil was looking at him like that.

He wanted to be stuck in this moment forever, horsing around with Neil without a care in the world. Where there were no demanding fathers or brilliant older brothers to make them feel small. Where they could laugh and just be.

Todd wasn’t surprised when the rest of the society joined in on the game. He wasn’t even taken aback when Charlie started banging on a pair of bongo drums whilst Cameron yelled protests all the while.

This is what it meant to be boys, Todd realised once they’d all calmed down and only he and Neil were left laughing breathlessly in a pile on the floor. Limbs were everywhere. Hands touching the backs of knees touching exposed slivers of belly. And Todd savoured every second of it.

This is what it meant to be in love.

*

Neil can’t help it. He can feel his jaw slacken as Todd begins to speak out in front of the class. When Keating had described the society’s meetings, how honey had dripped from their tongues, he’d been hooked. He’d been left searching for, wanting that feeling at every meeting. And whilst the boys were fantastic and the poetry heartbreaking and enlightening, he hadn’t had that feeling yet. That feeling of something. And now, as Todd spun round and round, eyes closed and words tumbling from his mouth, Neil knew what Keating’s words truly meant.

It wasn’t that words spoken from your own tongue would melt you to gold. No. No, it was hearing Todd Anderson speak of life and death and that wanting of _something_. It was the shivers that cascaded down your spine and made your knees turn weak. It was the undying urge to jump up and kiss him right there, in front of everyone because who gives a shit. Because who could possibly care when Todd Anderson created magic from thin air.

A wordsmith was in their presence. A once in a lifetime Whitman, Shakespeare, Eliott.

And by god did Neil want to keep him all to himself. He wanted to drag Todd out this classroom and lock them up in their room and just listen. He never wanted Todd to stop speaking. Even if it wasn’t poetry, even if he talked about lint or the stock market, because it would be Todd and he would be saying something. Neil had tried everything to get him to speak. He’d prodded and poked every chance he could and had withdrawn only when it was necessary.

That day when they argued about the play audition, it was the first time Todd had actually voiced his opinion (even if he was being the annoying voice of reason). Neil could have kissed him when Todd told him off, had said more than three words. He’d stuck up for himself and had left Neil speechless. Which was impossible. But not with Todd, never with Todd.

When they retired to the dorm room that night Neil had to remind himself to act normal. Stay calm, Neil. Breathe. It’s still Todd, still the quiet brilliant boy you’ve grown to care for.

Only it wasn’t. This was Todd unleashed. There was no turning back now.

“Neil?”

“Yeah?” Neil squeaked, worried he’d said something aloud that he really shouldn’t.

Todd arched a brow. “Can you turn off the light?” he asked.

“Yeah, sure, yeah,” Neil rambled as he hit the light and walked to his bed.

“Thanks,” Todd said, climbing into his bed. Neil would give anything to be that blanket right about now.

“No problem,” he muttered, slipping under his own covers. The sheets were cold and slippery to the touch. Neil wanted to get out of there, to pace the room, to say something. But what could he possibly say?

He laughed at himself. Neil Perry lost for words. That was twice in one day. If he wasn’t careful, Todd would make a fool out of Neil. But didn’t he already? Couldn’t he see how insane he made Neil? Why else would he leap from one bed to the next, practically begging Todd to chase him? Why else would he insist again and again that Todd participate, be a part of their group? Because he liked him? Well, yes, partly. But that wasn’t the whole of it. God, not even close.

Neil turned over and looked across at Todd’s sleeping form. At least, he looked asleep. But after spending nearly two months in the same room as Thomas Anderson, Neil knew that the boy wasn’t quick to fall asleep.

“Todd?” he whispered, barely audible. No response.

He tried again, a little louder, “Todd?”

Still nothing.

“Thomas?” Neil tried.

Todd groaned and rolled over to face Neil. “Yeah?” he asked, his voice thick with want of sleep.

“I just –” Come on, Neil, say it. “You were…”

Todd blinked lazily as he waited for Neil. There’s no rush, he seemed to say. Take your time.

“You are, you’re. God, I don’t know what to say,” Neil admitted to his astonishment.

“Then don’t say it.”

“What?”

“Then don’t say it,” Todd repeated, a smile inching its way across his face. “Show me.”

“Show you?” Neil asked, swallowing a nervous laugh.

Todd shrugged. “You’re an actor, show me.”

Neil swallowed thickly. This was dangerous ground. But if Todd could stand up in front of the class and let his words drench them in awe, then why couldn’t Neil take this small step towards something more?

Slowly, he crept out from under his covers. The floorboards creaked under his weight as he crossed the short distance to Todd’s bed. Todd sat up on his elbows, expectant, waiting. Neil kneeled so that they were at eye level. Before he could think better of it he reached out and cupped Todd’s cheek. Todd froze and Neil waited for him to shove his hand away, to protest. Instead, Todd leaned into Neil’s hand, eyelashes fluttering. Neil stroked his thumb across Todd’s cheekbone, gentle and slow. Todd sighed and Neil’s stomach flipped.

_This can’t be real._

Feeling more daring, Neil slowly lifted his other hand to thread his fingers through Todd’s hair. He waited for Todd to tell him no. He didn’t.

Neil pushed up until he and Todd were face to face, breathing each other in. He squinted in the half-light, trying to gauge Todd’s reaction. The corner of Todd’s mouth twitched as Neil lightly traced his jawline. A shaky sigh escaped his lips and Neil couldn’t help but tremble at the sound. He leaned in and pressed his forehead to Todd’s. He held his breath.

Todd said nothing as he sat up and leaned into Neil, wrapping his arms awkwardly around Neil’s neck. Except it wasn’t awkward. It was anything but.

They stayed there for a minute, an hour, a day. Neil wasn’t keeping track. He was too busy relishing the fact that Todd hadn’t pushed him away, that he’d leaned in and reciprocated the embrace.

Neil sighed, releasing all the pent-up tension he’d stored away in his chest. Todd chuckled lightly. Neil smiled at that.

Todd was the first to pull away. Neil didn’t protest, wouldn’t. He didn’t want to ruin it.

They shared a look and then Neil got up and tucked himself back into bed. He shut his eyes, trying to will himself to sleep when Todd spoke up.

“I heard every word.”

Neil didn’t sleep that night.

*

They were rehearsing lines.

Neil was swinging himself from one tree trunk to the next while Todd followed at his own pace. His nose was stuck in Neil’s copy of the script.

“Here, villain. Drawn and ready. Where art thou?” Neil said, watching as Todd tried to find his place in the script.

“I will be with thee straight,” he said, the words sounding a little uncomfortable in his mouth. But Neil wasn’t complaining. The fact that Todd had agreed in the first place was a miracle in itself.

“Follow me then to plainer ground!” Neil practically roared as he swung a stick playfully at the tail of Todd’s coat. Todd batted it away half-heartedly, a small smile tugging at his lips.

“God, I love this,” Neil sighed as they ambled down towards the river dock.

“What?” Todd asked, a little breathless.

“Acting! It’s gotta be one of the most wondrous things in the world. Think about it. Most people, if they’re lucky, get to live half an exciting life, right?”

“Yeah,” Todd said, although he sounded a little uncertain.

“But if I get the right parts I can live dozens of great lives!” Neil said, letting the excitement of the idea rush through him. He flicked the stick in his hand, standing en garde as if it were a sword.

“To be or not to be!” he yelled, “That is the question!” He leapt into the air, straight as a pin.

“GOD! For the first time in my life, I feel completely alive!”

Todd was shaking his head, chuckling softly. A fond smile adorned his face and for a split second, Neil was brought back to the night where they’d said nothing and yet everything. He could still feel Todd’s hair beneath his fingertips, the round curve of his jaw. Their noses bumping, breaths mingling…

Neil lost himself a moment in the memory and ended up bumping into Todd. Their shoulders knocked and Neil reached out to steady them. They breathed a quick laugh before separating.

“You should come to rehearsal,” Neil said suddenly.

“What?”

“Yes,” now that Neil said it, he couldn’t unhinge the idea from his mind. His friends were always reminding him to be wary of his stubbornness. But stubbornness be damned if it meant he could spend more time with Todd without prying eyes.

“Yes! It’s the best,” Neil said, poking the stick lightly into Todd’s chest. His mind began to whir with the possibilities. “They need people to run the lights and stuff.”

Todd ducked his head, shaking it so he could hide behind his fringe. “No, no I don’t think –”

“There are girls.” Neil didn’t know why he said that. Why did he say that?

“Yeah?” Todd asked after a moment, blinking in surprise.

“Yeah,” Neil said, trying to make the best of this. Maybe he could prod a little, test the waters. That night couldn’t have meant nothing. It couldn’t be labelled as just friends. It was more than that. So much more.

“The girl who plays Hermia is incredible,” he said as he skipped up onto the dock. He was going for nonchalant but honestly, he was laying the hint down thick enough that even Todd should notice.

Todd went silent then suddenly spurted, “Yeahwhatshelooklike.” It wasn’t a casual afterthought. It was a rehearsed line gone wrong.

Neil smiled. It wasn’t exactly what he was hoping for, but it was a start. “What? No, you’re not coming, so why should it matter.” He walked along the dock until he reached the T-junction, glancing over at Todd with what he’d come to call his “Puckish grin”.

“Go back!” he said, “Go back, go back!”

It took Todd a moment to realise Neil meant the script. He was barely audible. “Oh, um, follow me to plainer ground, yea art thou there.”

Neil came to a stop. He turned and gave Todd an exaggerated quizzical look.

“What?” he asked.

Todd fluttered with the pages until he found the line again. “Yea art thou there,” he mumbled.

Neil paused for dramatic effect before springing forward and yelling, “Put more into it!”

Todd complied. He spun about, scarf and coat flying behind him as he yelled, “YEA ART THOUGH THERE!”

“That’s it,” Neil breathed, his chest heaving from all the yelling. The air was bitingly cold as it settled in his lungs. He could feel the tip of his nose freezing over in the early winter air, but he didn’t care. It was worth it, to see Todd smiling and speaking out and not caring if others heard.

“FOLLOW MY VOICE!” Neil yelled, startling Todd. They both laughed, loud and unburdened. Neil took his stance and Todd followed suit until they were in combat, stick to the script.

“WE’LL TRY NO MANHOOD HERE!” Neil yelled as he parried forward. At the last minute, he turned in on himself and spun, coming chest to chest with Todd. Their chests rose and fell heavily, puffs of dragon’s breath leaking from their mouths. Todd’s cheeks were flushed, bleeding all the way to the tips of his ears. Neil could only imagine how he looked in Todd’s eyes.

“So you’ll come?” Neil asked between pants.

“What?”

“You’ll come to tonight’s rehearsal?”

Todd bit his lip, thoughts racing behind his eyes. It drove Neil up the wall.

“We’ll see,” Todd finally said.

Neil gaped. “We’ll see? What’s that supposed to mean?”

Todd grinned. But it wasn’t any old grin, oh no. It was the Puckish grin.

“Depends if you get all your lines right, Robert Goodfellow,” Todd said as he turned and made his way back up the jetty. He looked over his shoulder, raising a brow as if to say, _Coming?_

 _You little tease,_ Neil thought as he ran to catch up with Todd.

 

*

The theatre was full of noise. One of the musicians was practising the flute as the director worked with Hermia and Lysander on stage. “More excitement!” she said with enthusiasm, guiding the two actors through their scene. Neil grinned from ear to ear. This was his domain. This was home.

“Wow,” Todd breathed as he caught up with Neil.

“I know,” Neil said, not taking his eyes off the stage. It was littered with half-finished set pieces. Actors and backstage crew alike were working together to paint a backdrop draped upstage.

“It’s beautiful,” Todd said.

Neil tilted his head just enough so he could see Todd out of the corner of his eye. His baby blue eyes were bright even with the stark houselights on. They glistened with something Neil had only ever seen in the mirror. Anticipation, want, ecstasy.

Todd caught Neil staring. But Neil didn’t turn his gaze away. He was still testing the waters, even if there were warning signs all around him.

Todd turned to face Neil completely. Neil did the same.

“Quit staring,” Todd said, no malice in his voice whatsoever. Only fondness.

“What if I say no?” Neil whispered for their ears only.

Todd swallowed thickly. “Well, I guess I’d –”

“Neil! Perfect, you’re just in time!”

Neil swore under his breath as Todd stepped back, staring at the carpet as if it were the most fascinating thing on the planet.

 _Next time,_ he thought as he walked up to the stage, fighting not to look back at Todd over his shoulder and sorely losing. Todd gave him a shy wave before settling into a seat, making himself comfortable for the next few hours to come.

_Next time._

*

“Todd? Hey!”

Todd lifted his head slowly to find Neil towering over him. He looked regal in his perfectly pressed pinstriped tie, school-issued jacket fitting him just right. Todd wondered if Neil had any idea the effect he had on him.

“What’s going on?”

Todd shrugged. He’d been sitting on the landing for god-knows how long, backside frozen to the cement as he kept staring at his birthday present. No matter how long he stared at it, it refused to disappear. He tried to shake off the feeling of dejection that had nestled deep within his chest as he replied with a soft, “Nothing.”

Neil stood there, waiting for a real answer.

“It’s my birthday,” Todd finally admitted.

Neil’s eyebrows disappeared into his hairline. “Today’s your birthday?” he asked with a whisper. It was a softness Todd would never expect of Neil Perry, brash, loud and exciting Neil Perry. Perhaps there really was a second side to every person.

Todd nodded in affirmation.

“Happy birthday,” Neil said. But that wasn’t what he meant. Todd could hear it in his voice, other words simmering in the background, wanting to be heard. Neil quickly covered his tracks, though. “What’d you get?” he asked, looking down at the pile of paper at Todd’s side.

“My parents gave me this,” Todd said, indicating the desk set with a nod of his head.

Neil frowned as recognition bloomed on his face.

“Isn’t that the same desk set –”

Todd attempted a chuckle. “Yeah, they gave me the same thing as last year.”

Silence fell between them.

“Oh,” Neil finally said.

“Oh,” Todd muttered in agreement.

Neil put on his thinking face, the one that allowed him to make up excuses from thin air and get away with it. “Well, maybe they thought you needed another one?”

The joke died on his lips.

“Maybe they weren’t thinking at all,” Todd amended.

Neil said nothing.

“The funny thing about this is,” Todd continued, trying desperately to fill the silence, “I didn’t even like it the first time.” The boys shared a sad smile. Todd ducked his head once again.

He felt a hand brush his calf as Neil stooped to pick up the desk set. It wasn’t by accident. Todd willed his heart to restart as Neil straightened up to his full height, desk set in hand. He held it gingerly on wide, flat palms.

“Todd,” Neil said, mischief tainting his words, “I think you’re underestimating the value of this desk set.”

Todd arched a quizzical brow which Neil returned in likeness, although the look suited him better. Neil continued, unperturbed. “I mean, who would want a football or a baseball –”

“Or a car,” Todd proposed. Neil hummed in agreement, tilting the desk set up and down like a see-saw in his hands. “Or a car if they could have a desk set as wonderful as this one?”

Todd snickered.

“I mean,” Neil continued, “If I were ever going to buy a desk set, twice, I would probably buy this one. Both times.” They were both grinning like idiots now, laughing quietly to themselves.

Neil suddenly stopped and really looked at the desk set as if he were seeing it for the first time. “In fact, the shape is… it's rather aerodynamic, isn’t it?”

Todd gaped because he already knew where this was going.

Neil walked to the stone railing, standing closer to Todd than he needed to. “I can feel it,” he said, lifting the desk set up as if it were awaiting take off. “This desk set wants to fly.”

Todd stood and met Neil’s eyes. There was that glimmer, a hint of the Puckish grin. “Todd?” Neil said, handing the desk set over to Todd’s open hands. “The world’s first unmanned flying desk set.” It almost sounded professional the way Neil said it. As if desk sets really were meant to fly.

Todd swung back with all his might and threw the desk set into the air. Destination: the ends of the universe.

It didn’t reach quite as far as that, but Todd still took satisfaction in watching papers fly and hearing the compass ring like a bell as it hit the cobblestones below. The desk set was a splattered corpse across the courtyard.

In-between fits of chuckles Neil called out an, “Oh my!”

Finally, once their laughter died down, Neil added the cherry on top. “Well,” he said, all seriousness, “I wouldn’t worry. You’ll get another one next year.”

Todd couldn’t help it. He looked at Neil and stars flashed behind his eyes. Neil’s face was silhouetted against the moonlight, the line of his throat begging to be kissed as he tossed his head back in laughter. Neil caught Todd staring and he stared back, a smile tugging at his lips.

“Come on.”

“W-what?” Todd stammered, pulled away from his thoughts of trailing kisses on endless columns of pale skin.

“Come on,” Neil said again before tugging at Todd’s sleeve and pulling him away from the landing. Todd allowed himself to be pulled as he tried to figure out Neil’s train of thought. He looked like a man on a mission as he weaved between the last stragglers of the night, all heading towards the same destination: the dorm rooms.

“N-Neil?” Todd asked shakily as he was swung into their dorm room. “What’s going on?”

Neil closed the door behind them after calling a quick goodnight to Charlie, saying no, he didn’t have time to chat, he was going to help Todd with the English essay.

There was no English essay.

Todd was about to say as much but stopped when he saw Neil. He was leaned up against the door, hips pushed a little forward, head tilted back. All eyes were on Todd.

“I’m going to give you your birthday present,” Neil said, barely above a whisper.

Todd licked his chapped lips. “You didn’t even know it was my birthday until a few minutes ago.”

Neil pushed off the door and started walking towards Todd. “I’m improvising,” he said with a shrug.

“You don’t have to,” Todd said because it felt like the right thing to say.

“But I want to.” Neil took his time, taking one languid step after another, slowly closing the distance between them.

“R-really,” Todd stuttered, “You don’t have to. I’ve never really liked b-birthday’s all that much.”

Neil stopped a breath away from Todd. Their toes were touching.  
“Maybe I can change that,” Neil said. His voice was low, husky as if he’d just woken up.

Todd thought words, words, give me words but it was impossible with Neil this close and oh god.

Neil touched his fingertips to Todd’s, feather light and scorching hot.

“Neil –”

“Todd,” Neil said. Only it wasn’t a name, it was a feeling. Spectacular, astounding, mesmerising, thrilling.

Todd hid beneath his fringe. “We can’t,” he whispered, more to himself than Neil.

“Why not?” Neil whispered back with a smile. When Todd didn’t reply, Neil said it again. “Todd, why not?” only this time there was something buried in his voice. A slice of confusion, maybe even hurt.

“I can’t,” Todd said, tucking his chin to his chest because there was no way he could meet Neil’s eyes now. Because then he’d see, he’d know.

Neil’s fingers threaded with Todd’s, urgent, wanting. “Todd, I don’t understand,” Neil said, trying to meet Todd’s eyes but Todd couldn’t let him because then he’d know and he’d hate him and –

“You don’t feel the same,” Todd sputtered.

Neil’s grip tightened. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You just – you can’t. No one does, no one ever feels the same,” the words flew one after the other and Todd was trying so hard to stop them from falling but he couldn’t, he just couldn’t.

Neil withdrew his hand and Todd’s stomach dropped at the loss of contact. But then callused fingers brushed the soft line of his jaw and, and – he can’t breathe he can’t breathe

Neil’s voice was steady, safe. The eye of the storm. “Todd, Todd calm down and walk me through this. I want to help –”

Todd stepped back. The cold rattled his bones the moment Neil’s hand slipped away.

“No one can help!” he shouted (whispered? He didn’t know, didn’t care at this point. The words were falling, falling and there was nothing Neil or Todd could do about it). “No one can help me, I’m just. I’m broken. That’s what he said, that’s what they all said when I did it.”

“Did what?” Neil asked, soft and calm, always so damn calm.

Todd choked on the words. “When I kissed him.”

It’s over.

Neil blinked, then blinked again. His mouth was parted, tongue poised and ready with a reply.

“No, don’t, just. Don’t,” Todd said, waving away whatever words Neil thought would make it better – the lies Todd knew would only hurt them both more.

“Do you wanna know why I left Balincrest?” Todd asked suddenly. The words were there, might as well unleash them. Might as well get it over with. “I was expelled for kissing a boy. My roommate. He, he was always smiling at me. God, Neil,” Todd sighed against his will, knees shaking at the memory. “You should have seen him. He was, he was something else.”

Neil was standing with his arms hanging limply at his sides, mouth still parted and brown eyes filled with something unreadable. Todd tore his gaze away.

“He, he kissed me and at first I didn’t know what to do but it was just so nice. I don’t know how else to explain it,” Todd laughed at himself, shaking his head in mourning of that kiss, his first kiss. It felt like a lifetime ago. “It was so quick. Maybe if we’d just been a little further down the hall he wouldn’t have seen us.” That moment, that dreadful, stomach sinking moment when the Dean of the school tore them apart, flinging Todd into the wall and yelling. He just kept yelling and spitting and cursing and Sam, Sam pointed fingers and named names because, “Todd did it, Sir. He grabbed me, I didn’t know what to do!”

The words erupted from Todd’s mouth, vomiting onto the floor. The phone call, the meeting, the doctor’s prodding and poking and asking, Are you still feeling ill? when really they meant you’re sick you’re sick you’re sick.

Todd was pressed up against the wall at this point; forehead planted firmly on the ugly yellow wallpaper. The sight of Jeffery’s hand-me-down shoes drifted in and out of focus.

“I had to finish the semester at home with a tutor,” he whispered, his throat raw from speaking so much at once. “My parents thought, thought coming here would help. It worked so well for Jeff, so of course it would fix me. It should have fixed me, it should have –”

He was hiccupping uncontrollably, as he always did when he started having a panic attack. “But I saw you and I just –”

A hand touched the small of his back, warm and comforting.

“And you just, you just had to be you. Huh?” Todd laughed at himself, at this whole farce of a situation. “You just had to be you, Neil. You just had to be you.” Todd rested his temple against the wall, letting the cool surface invade his pounding brain. He breathed deeply through his nose and out his mouth, counting down from ten.

The hand was still there at the small of his back, burning a hole through his last good school shirt when he finally stopped hiccupping.

Neil scrunched Todd’s shirt under his fingers, just for a moment and then dropped his hand. Todd could feel Neil’s breath against his ear, his body radiating warmth while Todd slowly began to freeze over.

Neither boy said anything, the only sound Todd’s heavy breathing dropping to a steady rhythm.

Neil waited another too-long moment before he finally spoke up.

“You’re wrong.”

Todd’s head jerked up and he was met with the Neil Perry gaze: intent, stubborn, alive.

“You’re wrong,” Neil said again, even though Todd hadn’t replied yet. “They’re all wrong but you, you’re the wrongest.”

Todd sighed, willing sleep to just take him now. I know, Todd wanted to say, That’s what I’m trying to tell you, it’s wrong, I’m wrong, I’m –

“You are so much more than what they think,” Neil said, words soft and soothing. “You are so much more than who you kiss, than who you like. Why should such a little thing change their perception, your perception, of who you are?”

“And who’s that?” Todd asked, even though he already knew the answer. “Jeffery Anderson’s failed copy? The broken little brother? The kid who doesn’t know how to do anything, be someone, anyone?” Todd could go on and on if Neil let him. He’d heard enough whispers and taunts to last a lifetime.

But Neil didn’t let him continue. Instead, he pressed a finger to Todd’s lips, asking him to stop, please stop.

Todd stopped.

Neil took back his finger only to cup Todd’s cheek. Just like he did that night way, way back, when Neil Perry had been lost for words and so he did instead of said and in that moment it felt so right.

“Thomas Anderson,” Neil said. “Todd, you are honestly so stupid sometimes.”

That was not what Todd was expecting. Neither was Neil’s next words.

“Because you honestly have no idea how brilliant you are. I – words can’t describe it. You – you’re that last beam of light before the sun sets. You’re the, the aftertaste of Charlie’s cigarettes which is strangely satisfying. You’re that extra second of sleep right before the bell chimes and the last spoon of chocolate pudding on Friday nights. You’re just. You’re Todd and you are not broken and don’t you dare think for a second that I will ever let you or anyone else think that about you ever again. Because that is a lie. Everything those people told you is a lie.”

Todd thinks he should be crying right now. He really should be, but after years of practice, of hiding and learning to keep his chin up and chest out because that’s what Jeff would do, he just couldn’t. For the first time in Todd’s life, he wanted to cry, willed himself to cry. But the tears didn’t come and that made him all the more frustrated because god dammit Neil, friends don’t say that stuff about each other.

“You’re right,” Neil sighed, “They don’t.”

Only then did Todd register he’d said the words out loud. Only then did he register Neil’s lips brushing the shell of his ear as he whispered, “I want to be more than friends.”

“You,” Todd said. That was it. One word. That was all he could manage.

Neil nodded, understanding anyway. “Me.”

Todd’s mouth tried to sound out the words but they wouldn’t come. He gave up and went for the next best thing. Slowly, so slowly, he pressed his lips to Neil’s.

He waited for the shove, for the screaming and cursing to start. But it didn’t. Neil wouldn’t allow it. He brushed away those worries like cobwebs as he cupped Todd’s face in both hands. He shooed away every taunt, every jeer, every laugh in Todd’s face as he kissed Todd again, deeper this time, lips soft, almost melting. He tossed all the shame that had come with Todd’s first kiss out the window as he adjusted his grip and encircled Todd’s waist. They were pressed chest to chest, hip to hip. Todd was trying desperately not to tread on Neil’s toes and failing. And Neil was smiling. Todd could feel it against his lips, could feel when he began to return that smile tenfold.

Time was a figment of their imagination. What was time when Todd could be doing this? This: kissing Neil Perry. Being kissed by Neil Perry. He was never sleeping again, not after tonight.

Neil was the first to break away, although not so far that their noses didn’t bump. Todd took a deep breath in, having to remind himself to breathe now that he wasn’t kissing Neil. He’d been kissing Neil. And Neil had kissed him back.

“Say it.”

“Huh?” Todd stammered, caught off guard.

“Go on,” Neil said, an easy grin spreading from ear to ear. “Say it.”

Todd’s face scrunched up in confusion. It only made Neil’s smile broaden. “Say what?”

“You know what,” Neil said as he rocked Todd back and forth a little.

“No, I really don’t,” Todd muttered, getting lost in the motion.

Neil bit his lip before leaning in. Todd met him halfway, relishing the touch of Neil’s lips to his ear.

“Carpe Diem.”

Todd couldn’t help it. He burst out laughing, chuckling into Neil’s shoulder. “Oh my god.”

“What?” Neil said, all innocence.

Todd looked up and met Neil’s eye. “You are so cheesy,” he said.

Neil gasped in mock horror. “Excuse you! I think –”

“I know what you think,” Todd said as he leaned in and stole another kiss. That shut Neil up. Not that he seemed to mind if the way he grinned against Todd’s mouth was anything to go by.

“Yeah,” Neil said between stolen gasps for air, “I guess you do.”

 

_*_

 

Neil was trying very, very hard not to stare.

They were in homework period. McAllister glared at them from behind the big oak desk that was his throne, pipe in hand. The Society had taken up their usual refuge at the back of the class, securing an entire table for themselves. Meeks was attempting to help Charlie with his Latin homework while Charlie was attempting to care. Pittsy, tongue poking out from between his teeth, was still trying to finish the first question of their trigonometry homework. Cameron watched like a hawk over his shoulder. Knox, having made a complete fool of himself at the party last Friday, was scribbling a new poem for Chris. Then, when that one wouldn’t do, he scrunched it up and started from scratch. He’d done this four times in the last twenty minutes. Neil was busy reading the chapter for Keating’s class, Chemistry be damned and Todd – God, Neil really was trying not to stare.

Todd’s head was ducked in concentration as he rigorously edited his history essay due for the next day. Neil had wanted to offer to help but he was afraid it might seem too obvious. He was terrible at history.

Neil quickly peeked up from his book just for a second, wanting to catch Todd’s eye. But Todd’s fringe was in the way; a curtain of golden hair. Repunzel, Repunzul Neil thought jokingly to himself. He wanted to brush his fingers through that hair, lift it out of the way so he could meet Todd’s gaze, just for a second. Just one measly second.

Neil knew he was being ridiculous. It was little over a week since their first kiss and whilst there were a few incidents of brushing hands and touching shoulders, maybe even a stolen glance here and there, Todd hadn’t made any indication otherwise of what was supposed to happen next. It wasn’t like Neil knew. Sure, he’d stolen a kiss here and there at Christmas parties with family friends but it wasn’t like it meant anything. This meant something. Todd definitely meant something.

When Neil couldn’t sleep (which was becoming a greater reoccurrence as opening night neared) he’d think of that moment. That split second where Todd’s eyes had lit up with determination. Neil knew Todd had it in him, he just didn’t expect the first time to result in a kiss. Todd was inexperienced which made it all the sweeter. His hands shook when he finally clasped the front of Neil’s shirt and pulled him in closer, his bottom lip trembling slightly as they bumped noses and chins. It was awkward and shaky and beautiful.

Neil stroked a thumb across his bottom lip now, blushing at the memory. He needed to talk to Todd, at least get some indication that he hadn’t dreamt it, that Todd Anderson had kissed him and made his knees melt and god he was really, really trying not to stare.

Neil glanced at the rest of the Society out of the corner of his eye. Meeks was shaking his head, looking like he was one step away from slapping Charlie upside the head. Pittsy had finally moved on to the second trig question, tongue still poking out, and Cameron was now settled behind his chemistry book, looking rather smug after helping Pittsy with the seemingly impossible trig question.

Neil licked his lips and glanced back up at Todd from underneath his lashes. He was still there, hiding behind his fringe. His head was ducked so low he would have seemed to be sleeping on the table top if it weren’t for the quick scratches of his pencil.

Neil did it before he could think better of it. Slowly, he inched the toe of his shoe forward until it connected with Todd’s. Todd shot up, startled. Neil silently thanked the God of the Cave that no one seemed to notice. He caught Todd’s eye and gave a small smile.

Todd looked like he was ready to bolt out the door any second. That only made Neil smile more. Todd looked left and right, far more obviously than Neil had, before leaning forward and mouthing, “Why did you do that?”

It took all of Neil’s power to stay where he was, to not meet Todd half way and steal a quick kiss. He shrugged as if to say, “No reason.”

Todd frowned at Neil and Neil had to suppress a chuckle. Todd looked about as a threatening as a rabbit when he pulled that face.

Todd made as if to lean back and go back to his history essay when Neil caught at his sleeve. Todd froze and Neil reminded himself to breathe.

“Meet me in the room after this,” he whispered, barely audible.

It took Todd a moment to decipher Neil’s words but the look of cognition was evident enough once he did. He nodded once, small, hardly noticeable. Neil smiled in return before releasing Todd’s sleeve and settling back into his seat.

Todd did the same, although he looked confused as if he’d just woken up from a dream. Neil picked up his book and continued reading where he left off, trying not to grin too obviously.

 

*

Todd couldn’t stop shaking. When Neil had knocked shoes with him, Todd’s heart had jumped all the way up his throat. And that smile, the little, sacred smile which Todd had only been privy to once. And then Neil had grabbed his sleeve, fingertips brushing the inside of his wrist and he thanked the God of the Cave with all his might that he was already sitting down. His legs would have given out otherwise.

Now, he was walking just a step behind Neil towards the dorm room, buzzing with nervous energy. Neil looked as he always did, casual and yet regal as he greeted teachers and students alike. It was free period, meaning they had thirty minutes to do as they pleased. Todd tried not to think about that too much.

When they reached their room, Neil opened the door for Todd, indicating with a small bow that Todd was to enter first. Todd smiled, just a little bit, as he entered the room.

Neil closed the door behind them and leaned up against it, just like he had on Todd’s birthday. Before Todd had let his mouth run away with him and Neil had comforted him, not once judging him.

And then there was the kiss…

“Todd?”

Todd blinked and came back to the present. Neil was still there, leaning up against the door.

“Neil?” Todd replied, not knowing what else to say.

Neil pushed off the door and walked towards Todd. Todd waited with bated breath. Was Neil trying to recreate that night? Without all the secrets and the hiccupping and nerves bouncing off the walls. But no, no, Neil walked past Todd and sat down on his bed. He waited a moment before patting the space next to him.

Todd hesitated at first but sat when Neil gave him an encouraging smile.

Once Todd was settled Neil finally spoke. “I thought we should talk.”

Oh god.

“A-about what?” Todd asked, trying to keep his stutter at bay. That had always been his give away. His mom had teased him about it, saying that he shouldn’t worry, he’d grow out of it one day. He was still waiting for that day.

“About your birthday,” Neil said, cautious.

“Ah,” Todd said. Words had never been his friends.

Neil nodded. Todd could see he was biting the inside of his cheek. That’s a first.

“I wanted to ask,” Neil started then stopped suddenly. He sighed, ducking his head. His hands were gripping at his pants legs, wrinkling the well-ironed material.

“God, you always do this,” Neil muttered.

“Do what?” Todd asked, worried. Had he done something wrong?

Neil shook his head and when he met Todd’s gaze again he was grinning. “You always make me lose my words. Funny huh? An actor without a script.”

Todd chuckled. The tension in his shoulders was beginning to slip away.

“What do you want to ask?” Todd prompted.

Neil opened his mouth then closed it then opened it again. He really was lost for words.

Todd knew the feeling intimately so he waited, giving Neil time to ground himself.

Finally, Neil said, “I want to know if you’ll do it again.”

Todd felt his eyebrows furrow in confusion. “Do what?”

“You know,” Neil said, waving his hand about uselessly.

“I thought we established this, Neil,” Todd said, thinking back to that night. “I really don’t.”

Neil groaned as he fell back onto his mattress. He slung an arm over his eyes. “I thought you know what I think.”

Todd stammered, “Well, not all the time. I’m not that good.”

Neil chuckled. “Could have fooled me,” he said as he gently touched Todd’s fingers with his free hand. Todd took a quick, steadying breath before sliding his fingers between Neil’s. Neil hummed.

“So,” Todd started.

“Do you think you’ll ever kiss me again?”

Todd’s heart stopped then started, then stopped again. “Um, I –”

“Because,” Neil continued, “I understand if you don’t want to, but, I just thought I should ask. Should, should let you know that I wouldn’t mind if you did. Want to kiss me, I mean.”

Neil lifted his arm, letting Todd see a sliver of his dark brown eyes.

“I –,” Todd started then stopped. He took a deep breath before saying, “Yes, I’d like – I’d like that. To kiss you, I mean.”

Neil lifted his arm up completely and extended it to Todd. He crooked a finger in a come hither motion. Todd obliged.

Neil met him halfway, although his stomach muscles could only hold out so long. He ended up dragging Todd down with him. Their foreheads bumped, causing Todd to let out a small groan.

Neil chuckled. “Not your smoothest landing to date.”

“It’s your fault,” Todd said, although with no malice. Todd rolled off Neil so they were both lying on their backs, Todd trying to blink away the pain and Neil searing holes into the side of his neck.

“You’re staring,” Todd said as he turned to meet Neil’s gaze.

Neil shrugged. “Yeah, have been for a while. But thanks for noticing.”

Todd shook his head. How did this happen? How did he end up here on Neil’s bed with a soon-to-be headache and a heart blooming warmth all along his chest?

Neil sat up on his elbow and twisted until he was positioned above Todd. They weren’t touching, Neil keeping a safe distance, but he was so close and smiling down at Todd with his sacred little smile, eyes filled with fondness and Todd didn’t even give it a second thought when he pulled Neil down by his tie. Neil sighed against Todd’s lips, parting them a little. It made Todd shudder and Neil smile.

They didn’t kiss for long. Free period would be ending soon and Mr. Keating’s class was all the way on the opposite side of the school, meaning they’d need a good five minutes just to walk there. But still, still, that kiss was something. It was a promise of later and soon and don’t worry, I’m here.

Neil grumbled when Todd pushed him off lightly but didn’t argue. Although, he did steal a quick peck before opening the door to the hall, causing Todd to blush all the way to Keating’s class. When they arrived at class and Charlie commented on it, Todd stammered a lame excuse that he was just flustered from having to run to class. Charlie’s smile said he didn’t believe Todd for a second but he didn’t say anything more on the subject. Instead, he shrugged and gave a conspicuous, “Oh-kay,” before settling into his seat.

Neil clapped Todd on the shoulder before finding his seat. “Don’t mind him,” he whispered. Todd nodded, worry still scratching at the back of his throat. But this was Charlie. Charlie, who wore lipstick like war paint, who played the saxophone because it was sexier than the clarinet, who wore a beret like a crown.

No. No Charlie was okay. They were okay. Todd felt sure of that as Neil caught his eye, giving him a brilliant smile with the promise of more later. It was the first thing he’d ever felt really sure about. Of Neil and him and what they could be.

Todd returned Neil’s smile, not caring who saw. It caused Neil’s eyes to widen in shock, his mouth parting. Todd held back a laugh.

 _Soon_ , he thought as Mister Keating marched into the room, spewing Shakespeare at them with an accent to match.

 _Soon, I’m going to kiss you crazy_ , he thought with conviction, said as much with his eyes before turning his full attention to Mister Keating, to poetry and words which he had become more and more connected with over the months.

 _Soon_ Neil’s returning gaze promised, his smile turning Puckish.

Soon couldn’t come soon enough.

 


End file.
